So not only am I bipolar, but I have OCD. I have my tendencies under better control than I do my anxiety and depression, but this disorder is still something that impacts my life on a day-to-day basis.
Let's start with my obsessive tendencies, because I believe this developed much sooner than even my anxiety did.
I like even numbers of things, odd numbers make me anxious. The best example I can think of to explain this is how the volume of things like my radio or the TV needs to be set to an even number, or it's all I can think about.
I like for things to be done in patterns; predictable and repetitive, and if something breaks that flow I get uncomfortable. If I am eating a mix of red and green grapes, I can't eat two of the same back to back. For example, I'd have to eat a red, then a green, then a red, then a green, and so on. If there were an odd amount left by the time I got to the end, I wouldn't eat them - I couldn't eat them. I'm the same way with foods like smarties or M&M's, I can't eat the same colour twice in a row.
I am also VERY specific on how I like things done. My books have to be aligned perfectly on my shelves, nail polish arranged by colour, or even what pen I'm using. I colour-code my notes for school, and if I mess up even slightly I will have to start over. Or if my notepad had even a slight rip or spot of something on it, I'd have to rip it out and start over. I used to spend so many hours after school re-writing my notes to get them perfect, and I fell very behind in my classes because of it.
Moving into my more compulsive side, I have an "all or nothing" personality. For example right now I am working a retail job, taking university courses, running a YouTube channel and two blogs, and maintaining a social media presence for networking. Two months ago all I was doing was working in retail, and posting on YouTube here and there.
I don't gamble or do drugs, because I know that I would get hooked on them too easily because of this trait. I'm the type of person that once I get my mind on something, I have to do it immediately or I can't stop thinking about it. I have driven myself crazy obsessing over something that I wanted to do, but was something I had to wait to happen.
I'm either in for something 100%, or couldn't care less. That could be the task I'm doing at work, relationships and friendships, even how I look that day. On Monday I could be dressed, hair and makeup, ready to walk the red carpet, but on Tuesday I don't get changed out of my pyjamas. Or with work I could go from wanting to call in sick, to putting in extra free hours all in the same week. It's not an easy task to find a balance.
I need to make lists, otherwise things get lost in my head. I've shown you that I use a life planner, but I am constantly writing down anything I need to get done for school or work. If I don't write them down physically, I tend to forget them with all of the other thoughts going on in my head.
Even after all these years I can't decided if having these traits are a positive or a negative thing, because they have both pros and cons depending on what situation I'm in.
My obsessive-compulsive disorder is something that I rarely share with people, even ones I am close to in my life, so I feel as though a weight has been lifted by finally acknowledging it. So thank you for being my outlet!
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