Yes, I've Been Suicidal

I am not ashamed to admit that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for six years. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and it is not easy to live with.

My diagnosis came when I was going through a dark time, and attempted suicide. Up until then my family and my doctors thought it was just teenage hormones, and that I would "grow out of it".

I was taken to Cambridge hospital in May of 2012, and was released on the conditions of being monitored 24/7. For six weeks I wasn't allowed to be alone - I had to do schoolwork at my mom's work, watched TV with my dad, and had my mom sleeping in my room with me. I felt like a prisoner in my own life, not trusted to be on my own. Although I know now that my family and medical team had my best interests at heart, being on suicide watch only added to my depression. 

Fast forward eleven months, and I was getting good at faking my emotions. I kept going to school, but had started seeing a psychiatrist and a cognitive-behavioural therapist. I was medicated and seeking help, yet hit the wall again. 

On April 10, 2013 I again attempted to take my own life. I was brought to the emergency room in Cambridge, and later transferred out to Kitchener. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to completely describe what that experience was like. I will never forget being placed on a gurney with my hands and feet tied to the bed. Having the paramedic wrap me tightly in a blanket and strapping me down. "It's to keep you warm" he'd said to me. But I wasn't cold. I was angry, I was caught, I was vulnerable, and I was completely out of my own control.

Being 17-years old my treatment option was "child and adolescent in-patient care" or CAIP. It wasn't a large program, about twelve youth, located in the basement of the hospital. It was co-ed, and we shared a common area, a classroom, dining space, and rec room for group therapy. The only space we had to ourselves was a bedroom with its own attached two-piece bathroom. There wasn't a lot of solace or privacy though, because neither of these doors closed completely.

Every part of my life was monitored and analyzed, the biggest choice given to me was what I wanted to eat - but they always made sure we were eating enough. I participated in group therapy, met with a psychiatrist, and disconnected from all the negativity in my life. It was an experience I am never going to forget, and will elaborate on in a separate post. 

After spending twelve long days in the psych ward, I was released on April 22, 2013. I was quite excited to get home and start fresh, but unfortunately the feelings were not reciprocated in the ways I'd hoped.

Over the last five years I have experienced some ups and downs, but thankfully none as severe as to bring me back to the hospital. My depression worsened about a month ago, and I have been working towards getting myself back on track. 

I wanted to share this experience with you all in case any of you are going through a tough time. I understand how scary and hard it can be, and how alone you can feel, but you can get through it. You can take control of your life, and this dark day will pass. 

I support you.

Kristina