Hello!
I rely very heavily on my life planner, and one of the elements that I use the most is planning monthly goals. I love watching people achieving their goals, and I thought it would be fun to share my own!
So looking back on April. . .
Goal: Weight at 198lbs
Actual: 219.8lbs
Goal: Owned TBR at 170 books
Actual: 188 books
Goal: Read 15 books
Actual: Read 3
Goal: Workout 25 days
Actual: 13 workouts
Goal: Plot novels chapters
Actual: Plotted and started writing
Goal: Win a Fitbit challenge
Actual: Won Workweek Hustle week of April 9th
Overall I only achieved 2 of the 6 goals I set for myself, but April was actually a great month for me. My mood stabilized and experienced some positive life changes! I'm hoping to continue these great spirits into a successful month in May. Next month is going to be a busy one as I am starting school again, still working in retail, and will be going to New York at the end of May.
But I've still got some big goals!
Goal: Weight at 209lbs
Goal: Owned TBR at 179 books
Goal: Workout 20 days
Goal: Achieve 80% or higher on any assignments/examinations
Goal: Win a Fitbit challenge
I hope that by sharing my goals it helps to keep me more accountable, and that I am more successful in achieving them!
Wish me luck!
Kristina
Hello !
So it seems to surprise a lot of people that I have tattoos. I'm not sure why that is so shocking, but I actually have six! Each one holds a different place in my heart, even though some of them are more visible than others.
I get asked about the tattoos on my wrist a lot, so I thought it would be fun to do a little "tattoo tour", giving you all of the stories. I couldn't decide how to order them, so I'm just going to list them from oldest to newest.
#1 - January 16, 2014 / Thrive Studios, Cambridge
On my left forearm, under my wrist
This turned out bigger than I'd originally imagined, but it is a constant reminder of all the darkness I have been through. "Hope" has gotten me through everything, and so I wanted it done inside of an infinity symbol to signify that hope never gives up, even when you may want to.
I also had it written in my moms' handwriting, because she has always been my rock and I know she will support me through anything.
It hurt quite a bit, but could have also been because I didn't know what to expect. It wasn't unbearable, for the most part, the worst of it being anything that crossed a vein. That burned.
#2 - May 31, 2014 / Somewhere in New York City
Right hip bone
I can't say that a lot of planning went into this one. It was my first time in NYC, I was leaving the next day, and my friend and I decided we wanted to get tattoos done together.
We sat in Central Park calling around for walk-ins, and found one near Port Authority. He and I didn't get the same tattoo, but it was still a nice experience to share.
This didn't hurt at all, and couldn't have taken more than five minutes.
#3 - July 2014 / Thrive Studios, Cambridge
Right side of my rib cage
This is another one that signifies how far I've come in my life, and my struggles with mental illness. It is inspired from the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. The first time that I heard this song it resonated with me very strongly, and recommend giving it a listen.
If I had to choose, I would say that this is my favourite tattoo I've gotten, for many reasons. I've always struggled with body image issues, so getting this tattooed on a part of my body I've always been self-conscious about was a huge step in my recovery.
The lyrics "I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap" get me through the times I'm struggling with decisions or with putting myself first. I'm finally finding the strength to stand on my own two feet, and do whatever I think is best for me - regardless of what anyone else wants from me.
I can't say that this one hurt a lot either, more of an annoying scratching that lasted about an hour.
#4 - November 5, 2014 / Thrive Studios, Cambridge
Top of left foot
This is another one that was inspired from a song, "Warrior" by Demi Lovato. "I need to take back the light inside you stole...but now I'm a warrior and you can never hurt me again."
Something that I keep very private is the struggles I have had with some family members, spanning almost my entire life. Not everyone in my life is supportive of my choices, and in trying to motivate me to be better, pushed me to my breaking point many times. I got this tattoo days within finally breaking off that toxic relationship, and as much as I still hurt over it, I know I am stronger for not looking back.
The day after I got this done, I was in a car accident that totalled my car. I was not at fault, and was knocked across three lanes into a crosswalk. Thankfully no one was hurt, but the first-responders could not believe that I was driving because my car was destroyed, but I managed to walk out. The worst that I suffered was whiplash, and it just further signified my beliefs that I am stronger than I've ever been.
A lot of people say that getting a tattoo on your foot is one of the most painful places, but it didn't bother me much. At the time I had fairly chubby feet, so I'm sure if I got it done post-weight loss it would be rough, but I love it.
#5 - November 15, 2016 / Mom's Tattoo Shop, Waterloo
Back of neck, between shoulder blades
This one had even less planning involved than the one I got in NYC, I was quite manic when I got this done. I was sitting in class one day wearing my hair in a ponytail, and I randomly thought "I wonder what the back of my neck looks like?" For some reason that made me very self-conscious and anxious, so I decided to get a tattoo.
I picked this one with the intended meaning of music being the only thing louder than my anxious thoughts.
I didn't feel this one at all, but again, I was manic and it was late at night so I ended up falling asleep as he did it.
#6 - April 13, 2018 / Powerhouse Tattoos, Kitchener
Inside of right wrist
My most recent tattoo is one I have been wanting to get since I started. This one has so many meanings with "it's time" and the semi-colon.
It's time to put myself first. It's time to love and appreciate the body I've worked so hard for. It's time to stop doubting myself. It's time to stop letting my anxiety run my life. It's time to stop my depression from controlling my thoughts. It's time to break out of my comfort zone, and this is only the beginning.
This one didn't bother me, except again when crossing veins. I wanted it on my wrist so that I could see it constantly, and to again signify my struggles with self-harm. It was the first time I watched the artist do the tattoo, and it was quite a fun experience. My artist was awesome, and we spent the ten minutes just talking and laughing.
I'm done with tattoos for right now, but I think I have a couple more I'll want to get in the future. But for now I hope you enjoyed learning about the ones I've got!
Kristina
I am not ashamed to admit that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for six years. When I was 16 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and it is not easy to live with.
My diagnosis came when I was going through a dark time, and attempted suicide. Up until then my family and my doctors thought it was just teenage hormones, and that I would "grow out of it".
I was taken to Cambridge hospital in May of 2012, and was released on the conditions of being monitored 24/7. For six weeks I wasn't allowed to be alone - I had to do schoolwork at my mom's work, watched TV with my dad, and had my mom sleeping in my room with me. I felt like a prisoner in my own life, not trusted to be on my own. Although I know now that my family and medical team had my best interests at heart, being on suicide watch only added to my depression.
Fast forward eleven months, and I was getting good at faking my emotions. I kept going to school, but had started seeing a psychiatrist and a cognitive-behavioural therapist. I was medicated and seeking help, yet hit the wall again.
On April 10, 2013 I again attempted to take my own life. I was brought to the emergency room in Cambridge, and later transferred out to Kitchener. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to completely describe what that experience was like. I will never forget being placed on a gurney with my hands and feet tied to the bed. Having the paramedic wrap me tightly in a blanket and strapping me down. "It's to keep you warm" he'd said to me. But I wasn't cold. I was angry, I was caught, I was vulnerable, and I was completely out of my own control.
Being 17-years old my treatment option was "child and adolescent in-patient care" or CAIP. It wasn't a large program, about twelve youth, located in the basement of the hospital. It was co-ed, and we shared a common area, a classroom, dining space, and rec room for group therapy. The only space we had to ourselves was a bedroom with its own attached two-piece bathroom. There wasn't a lot of solace or privacy though, because neither of these doors closed completely.
Every part of my life was monitored and analyzed, the biggest choice given to me was what I wanted to eat - but they always made sure we were eating enough. I participated in group therapy, met with a psychiatrist, and disconnected from all the negativity in my life. It was an experience I am never going to forget, and will elaborate on in a separate post.
After spending twelve long days in the psych ward, I was released on April 22, 2013. I was quite excited to get home and start fresh, but unfortunately the feelings were not reciprocated in the ways I'd hoped.
Over the last five years I have experienced some ups and downs, but thankfully none as severe as to bring me back to the hospital. My depression worsened about a month ago, and I have been working towards getting myself back on track.
I wanted to share this experience with you all in case any of you are going through a tough time. I understand how scary and hard it can be, and how alone you can feel, but you can get through it. You can take control of your life, and this dark day will pass.
I support you.
Kristina
Hello !
I mentioned in a previous post that I'd gained some of the weight I'd lost back, and I wanted to expand on that.
On January 5th of this year, I flew into Miami for a seven day cruise, and weighed 198lbs. This morning though, I'm 217lbs. So yes, in the last four months I have gained back almost twenty pounds.
And you know what? That's okay!
It is normal to plateau during a weight loss journey, and my life became a roller coaster ride during those months.
My vacation was amazing, but I was definitely intaking more calories than I should have been. Coming back from vacation, I had weeks where I was working up to 44 hours, and didn't have a lot of time to prepare healthy meals. Around the middle of February my back pain got severe enough that I couldn't work out, and my depression took over from there.
I don't want it to come across like I'm making excuses, I'm just trying to hold myself accountable. I admit that I let it get out of control, and I resorted back to my old ways of turning to food for comfort.
BUT! That stops now. In April, I have taken back control of my life, and although it's a slow progress, I'm not giving up on myself.
My back hasn't completely healed, but has recovered enough that I can do some weight training, and I get in my cardio wherever I can. I'm getting myself back on track with my food, but still not counting calories.
The point behind this post is admitting to myself that I've made poor choices, and committing to my goals. I've always been open about my journey, and that needs to include any bumps I hit along the way.
I hope you enjoyed this post, and found something in it to be helpful. If you are dealing with a similar struggle, know that I support you and we've got this!
And remember, you can keep up with my daily fitness progress on my instagram @kristinaalovee!
Kristina
Hi!
I know we're already a ways into 2018, but I wanted to share with you my goals for 2018!
I'm not usually one for making resolutions, but last year I accomplished so much I wanted to keep up my momentum!
I've broken them up into different categories, and I'll be able to better keep you updated on how it's going!
What are some of your goals for this year? I hope they're going well for you!
Kristina
Hello! Its been a while, huh?
A lot has changed in my life recently, more the better as of late. I took a voluntary demotion to part-time at work, have started dieting again, and even started writing a novel!
So first, yes, I stepped down in my position at work. It was not an easy decision, but I'd been thinking about it for a few months and knew it was my best option. Since the middle of January I'd been having trouble sleeping, had no motivation, and my depression had come back stronger than ever. I was stressed out all the time, and realized I needed to take a step back. I've been working as part-time since April 1st, and I don't have any regrets so far.
Last year I lost 70lbs, and in these last four months have gained back about 24lbs. The weight gain aided in my depression, but I was also struggling physically. In February I experienced some severe back pain, and was bed ridden for three days. After speaking with two doctors, we discovered the muscles around my spine separated after my weight loss. I was given medications, got a back brace, and met with a physiotherapist. I'm doing much better, but still have off days. This month I have re-entered my focus on my health, working out again, monitoring portion control, and drinking a lot more water.
And finally, I started writing my novel! There isn't much I can share right now, but it is about something that is very personal and important to me. It's taken up a lot of my time lately, but I'm loving every second of it. I've always wanted to be a writer, so I'm thrilled I've finally committed to it.
So that's a quick update on my life! You can always keep up with my day-to-day life through my social medias, linked in the "About Me" section of this blog.
Thanks for reading!
Kristina
