These last 365 days have been nothing short of life-changing; some things I am grateful to have experienced but there are many others I am happy to leave behind. This was a year of substantial personal growth, and I want to get it all written down so that I can remember these moments in the future.
I started the year on a bad foot, coming off of a very busy work schedule where I was working six day weeks, and sometimes 16-hour overnight shifts. I was beyond exhausted by the time I got to leaving for my seven day cruise on the fifth of January. The day before I was to leave I was scheduled to work, and by the time I got home had twelve hours to pack, pre-film, edit and post YouTube videos, and be at the airport. I was a bundle of stress and anxiety the entire time I was preparing to leave, and didn’t finally relax until I was through customs and at the gate waiting to board. I think I had waited too long to give myself a break because I crashed HARD. My depression took advantage of how emotionally and physically tired I was, and I struggled to truly enjoy myself while I was away. My mom helped me to make the most of it, but I had to be conscious not to stand too close to the edge of the boat, just in case any dark thoughts slipped in. I don’t regret my vacation or look back on it negatively, but I definitely think I could have been in a better mental place in order to have gotten the full experience.
My first full day back from vacation, I booked a flight to New York for BEA in May. Coming back from my trip I vowed to take my mental health seriously again and work towards recovery, and thought getting back into my passions would be the best place to start. However, I found myself thrown into work again and felt like I had lost my sense of self. I spent all of my time at work, had few friends outside of work, and was too tired to do anything else. In 2017 I lost 70lbs and felt like I needed that validated and wanted to feel good about myself. So what was my solution? Tinder.
The decision to download Tinder was driven by my manic tendencies, because I have never been the girl that liked guy’s attention. I have always been extremely self-conscious and didn’t date before then - I had always found ways to keep myself busy. Even now looking back, I can’t think of what I was looking for when I downloaded it, but I learned a lot about myself. All of the guys I met with I had positive experiences with (with the exception of one) and I have no regrets. I definitely got validated in my physical attractiveness, but also was able to figure out how I want to present myself as a person and potential partner. I am kind of a sassy but compassionate personality, and was able to find the confidence to portray that.
In March I could feel myself slipping back into my depression and knew that I needed to take a break and get away. One Wednesday I decided I was going to spend the weekend in Niagara Falls, and I’m not usually one to do things so last minute but I’m beyond happy I did. At first I’d planned to spend the weekend by myself, but later had a … friend (not sure how to describe my relationship with him) join me on my stay. I look back on that weekend with good memories, having spent the day walking the Falls in my own company, and then the night spending hours at the arcade and just having fun with a friend.
Coming back from that weekend away I vowed that I wanted my life to change, and to feel as happy as I did that day every day going forward. I decided to step down from my full-time position at work in order to relieve some stress, I registered to go back to university for summer courses, and I finally got my wrist tattoo I’d been wanting to symbolize it’s never the end, but always the beginning. Oh, and I’d decided to stop messing with fuckboys off of Tinder.
Out of my Tinder experience came a few things; confidence, some new friends, and a relationship. Yes, I met my (now ex) boyfriend on Tinder. We were together just shy of seven months, and I won’t get into the dark details of our break-up since it is still semi-fresh being only two months since we parted ways. He and I’s relationship started mid-April and moved very quickly, and we probably spent more time together than we should have, but there were days where I just couldn’t get enough of his company. I missed him whenever he wasn’t around, and I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments now that I don’t miss him. He was a huge part of my life for more than half of this year, and I am grateful for every moment that we shared together, and wish it had ended better. He deserved better.
By the time May came, I was six weeks into a new relationship, busy at work, and not at my best physical health - but my New York trip was finally here! The day before my flight I spent the day with my boyfriend at the Toronto Zoo for his birthday, and although I had an amazing time, we both got sun stroke. With all the animals to go see, we didn’t realize how humid the day was. We both layered in sun screen and wore hats, we were both so soaked through with sweat I didn’t want to get back in my car. I got home from the zoo at about 7pm, got a shower to wash away all the sweat of the humid day, and then passed out in my towel. I awoke at 2am, drenched in sweat again, and so got a shower only to be violently throwing up. I felt better after and thought maybe it was just stress related, so went to my room to finish getting everything ready. I hadn’t properly packed because of how busy I had been leading up to it (again), and ended up paying for that later. By the time I got to the airport at 6am I was ready to go back to bed. Because I am Canadian I had to go through customs, and had the pleasure of being pulled aside out of the line and into an interrogation room because I looked suspicious. They assumed I was trying to do something (probably illegal) because of how pale, sweaty, and shaky I was. When I explained to them what happened they were the ones to tell me it was likely heat stroke, and sent me on my way. Sitting at my gate I almost didn’t get on the plane. My mom was driving back home from the airport, so my boss actually called me and talked me down from my nerves and anxiety. Writing this post I can still see myself sitting in a corner, bundled up with my carry-on, drenched in sweat, crying on the phone. After talking to her for over forty minutes I did feel much better, and I am so grateful to her for both her patience and friendship towards me this year. 
I travelled to New York by myself, which was huge for me because I did it with so little stress and proved to myself how strong I really am. I was able to get through customs, get a cab, and check into my AirBNB by myself, but thankfully had my dear friend Kerri flying in later that day staying with me. My experience in NYC and at BEA this year was both absolutely incredible and completely heartbreaking at the same time. On one hand I have never had so much fun, but on the other my back was severely hurting and my heat stroke wasn’t passing. I am desperately hoping I am able to go again in 2019, but in good health and better spirits because wandering the streets of New York is my dream, and I am still dumbfounded but how calm and confident I felt walking them. The best part of the trip was meeting Chris Colfer, and all of you guys! Being able to meet the people that watch my videos, read my posts, and share my community was amazing and I want to do it again.
Throughout the entire year, my health was a concern. Such substantial weight loss proved to have negative reactions on my body. My immune system weakened and my core body temperature dropped, so I am now always freezing and always sniffling. In February I took a fall and had to see a doctor because I was in excruciating pain. It turned out that my weight loss caused the muscles around my spine to loosen and shift, and my spine moved. The result was that I was bedridden for three days, and had to wear a back brace for months. Even today I have days where I have to be careful of how I move because the pain is so easily triggered. The worst “side effect” that I have come into this year as a result of losing so much weight, was the development of anemia. I was constantly having symptoms of lightheadedness and dizzy spells, weakness in my legs, numbness in my feet, migraines, and just pure exhaustion all of the time. After many doctors visits and having my blood drawn and tested many times, it was determined I have an iron-deficiency.
On September 15th I turned 23, and my birthday was not anything special. I was still having dizzy spells, and had to leave shopping with my boyfriend early and spent the day curled up on the couch. Having an iron-deficiency has proven to be one of the more difficult things I have experienced, as it continues to effect my everyday life. Overall my birthday was relaxed and spent with people I loved, so I don’t have complaints.
October saw another slip into depression; driven by my constant health issues and feeling like no matter how hard I tried, I failed. I felt useless and helpless, and after discussing it with my family doctor ordered me to go to emerge and get a crisis team assigned to me. To him I agreed to get help, but when my mom went to take me, I refused. I knew I needed the help but also believed I was beyond the point of therapy. So on October 5th I decided to invest in the biggest antidepressant I could think of - a puppy. I got an eight-week old jack russell / westie terrier mix and named her Minnie because she was black with white paws. She gave me a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to go outside and get fresh air, and a reason to stay alive because she was counting on me to take care of her. Some days I am beyond overwhelmed with how much responsibility she is, but at the end of the day I am so grateful for her love and companionship, I can’t wait to share the next decade of my life growing with her and loving her.
November is a month I can’t decide if I want to move on from and forget, but don’t think that’s a very realistic thing to wish for. It was the month where I broke up with my boyfriend, the month I got a thigh tattoo, and the month I re-downloaded Tinder and resorted to some of my old “validation habits”. The night of my tattoo was a snowstorm, and although the weather was so bad it took me three times as long to drive there and I was over an hour late to my appointment, I wanted it. So there I sat, with no pants on, for two hours, venting to my artist about how low my life had gotten and how I was ready to start new. My tattoo is a representation of how I keep my head in the clouds but have my heart set on the world, and nothing will hold me down. A few weeks after that I re-downloaded Tinder, and found it was more emotional work than I could have anticipated. I was talking to too many at once, and got so overwhelmed I managed to get lost in what the point of downloading it was.
The positive of downloading it again wad within the first few days I met someone I really clicked with. We texted and Snapchatted for almost two weeks before finally hanging out, and it went so much better than I could have thought. I was still in bad shape from my break-up, but with him was sure I’d found everything I’d been missing. He was mature, compassionate, funny, and had a work ethic very similar to mine. He didn’t put up with my sass, and instead would give it right back to me. I was sure I’d met someone I could see myself in a relationship with - before he cut it off a few days ago. As pathetic as it seems I’m willing to stay friends, because he is a decent person and I’d like to be there for him when he comes out of the exhausted rut he’s found himself in.
So that is where I stand leaving 2018. As I write this I am getting over a flu and sinus infection, hoping to start 2019 on a fresh (and healthy) foot. I’m not sure what is in my future for the year; more weight loss, a new relationship, going back to school, or even a career change. I just know that I am willing to strap in and go along for the ride, and see where life wants to take me.
Bring it on.
