A Letter to the One Who Destroyed Me

Hi, 

How are you? It's been awhile ... over three years? Damn, I didn't think we'd let it get that bad.

Are you doing alright? Taking care of yourself? I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help but wonder if you think about me too. Do you talk about me at all? Or has my name become unspeakable to you?

I know that you don't believe in mental illness or therapy, but I'm hoping that this will be good for me because there are some things I need to get off of my chest. If I keep these words bottled up inside too much longer, they might lead me over the edge. 

You were only so shocked by my suicide attempts because you never looked at me long enough to see how I was suffering. You never saw the scars on my body, or the pain in my eyes. Just because you didn't want to see it doesn't mean it didn't exist. I tried so hard to get you to see me and listen to me, worked so hard to make you happy, but I was never enough. Everything I did for you just left me short-handed, and now there's nothing left of me to give you - except the truth. 

Because of you I never feel confident, just worthless. Because of you I never feel beautiful, just ugly. Because of you I don't trust people, instead wait for them to take advantage of me. Because of you I push people out of my life since I don't think I deserve to be loved. Because of you I thought that I wasn't worthy of help, and went too long without getting treatment for my disorders. 

Because of you I've spent the last seven years battling thoughts of suicide. 

Please forgive the tear stains that I'm leaving behind, this was harder to do than I thought. 

But I'm not one to focus only on the bad, and I can admit that you taught me some good things too. Because of you I learned to stand on my own two feet and not rely on anyone else. Because of you I learned not to put myself in uncomfortable situations, and to always think two steps ahead. Because of you I was able to go to university in a different province, because it was just enough distance between us to make me feel calm. Because of you I saw all of the personalty traits I hated the most and vowed to never let anyone into my life that was like you. 

I really want to tell you that I hate you and that you ruined my life, but we both know I don't mean it. Instead I hate that I let you ruin my life. Every day of my life I hear your voice in my head telling me that I'm never going to be enough. And you're probably right, but I'm going to work my damned hardest to be enough for myself. Because you were wrong, I do deserve it. 

And I want you to know that I forgive you for your ignorance. I'll always love you, even if it kills me.

Kristina